Human nature is above all things lazy.

I'm way too lazy to be a mom. This little person relies on me for absolutely everything. He can't feed himself, wipe his own butt, and half the time he even needs me to help him fall asleep. I have to carry him around the house. If he's awake and I need to shower, he sits in his bouncy seat in the bathroom and the 5-minute countdown to Jack MeltDown begins. It's a constant struggle of is he hungry? does he need a diaper change? what can I do to entertain him? It's crazy. I genuinely miss zoning out in front of my computer all day with silly games or watching old episodes of House. Now I'm lucky to get a couple of half-hour jaunts of me-time during the day when he's napping in his swing. It sucks.

Speaking of things that suck, I went back to work this week. A few weeks ago while still on maternity leave, I got a call from Big Name Pharmacy telling me that my position had been made redundant and they were letting me go. So naturally, I freaked out. But luck would have it that a clinic pharmacy in Dan's parents' town was looking for a tech. I basically rocked the interview and signed on for 25 hours per week, split between Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It's not as fast-paced and fun as the corporate store I worked for, but it's a paycheck.

Remember the test I talked about Dan taking in my last entry? He did awesome on it. This company got something like 300+ resumes. They narrowed it down to the top 60 to invite to take that test, and the top 20 scores of those are the people they REALLY want on the ground floor of the company. Dan is part of that top 20. So now he's 2 weeks into a 15-week course of computer classes to ensure he knows what he needs to know to help run this company. Which means Monday through Friday 8am-4:30pm he's in class.

Translation: Jack is in daycare for 3 days a week. Boo. But it's an in-home thing with a girl that Dan went to school with, so at least it's not a total stranger watching my kid and 20 other babies. At most, she has her own toddler, Jack, and a 6 month old girl, then 2 older kids after school. So yes, it sucks, but it could be worse. And she's cheap at $75/week.

So back to how lazy I am... I started typing this entry like, 3 days ago. I'm awesome.

Jack is 3 months old tomorrow, and there's a lot of crazy stuff happening right now.

9/11

Today is September 11, 2010. Nine years ago, our world changed forever. On that day, I was a junior in high school. I lived on Fort Meade, Maryland, less than 30 miles from Washington, DC. It's still thought that the NSA building on Fort Meade was the intended target of the plane that went down in Pennsylvania. The NSA was 2 miles from my house and 2.5 miles from my high school.

My best friend's dad's office was in the part of the Pentagon that got hit. Luckily, he had just left the country to do a year in Korea. But my dad knew someone who died in the Pentagon.

The weeks that followed were crazy. On Fort Meade, they had just finished building new gates all around the base where heavily armed Military Police would be stationed 24/7. We were on complete and total lock-down for the week following the attacks and no one could leave or come onto the base. We were completely protected but it was still so scary.

After everything calmed down a bit and they reopened the gates, every time you wanted to come back on base, there would be a line of cars waiting for the MPs to check everyone's IDs. At the beginning, the only people allowed on base were those with military IDs. They eventually loosened the reins a bit and made it so as long as SOMEONE in the car had a military ID, you could come on base. No civilians can go on base anymore without someone in the car with them or without some kind of official business on base or without proof that they are visiting someone who lives there. It's nuts, but I'm so grateful that I lived there when I did.

Watching footage from that day still brings me right back to the emotions I felt watching it as it was happening. It's less open-weeping and more outrage and astonishment now.

Someday we'll be able to explain to Jack what it was like that day. 9/11 will always be our Pearl Harbor or JFK.



......................



In baby news, Jack's 2 month appointment is on Monday. I get to hold a screaming baby while he gets shots. :( I have to go alone because Dan will be doing work-related things.

He'll be out taking a test for an amazing job opportunity that, if he gets said job, will mean I get to be a SAHM and watch my kid grow up. I can't wait. He's SUPER qualified, and from what we can tell, there hasn't been as much interest in the jobs that are open with this particular company as originally thought, so he has a really good chance of getting it. There's a million hoops he has to jump through though, so it'll be a while before we know for sure.

Stuff is crazy right now, but good. Crazy good.

Jack is 8 weeks and 5 days old and currently napping in some jungle jammies.

It's been too long, fair Blogspot

So it's been like 2 and a half weeks since I updated this thing. No one told me being a mom was a 24-hour a day gig. Well, actually, lots of people told me that. But I was always cynical and egotistical to the point of thinking "yeah whatever, I'll be cool under pressure and my child will be a perfect angel and nap most of the day and I'll get everything done!" Haha! At night I sleep for maybe 3 hours, then pump for 30 minutes (while my amazing husband feeds the baby). Rinse and repeat hopefully 2 more times. Unfortunately, there have been very few days where I've gotten to sleep past 6am. Considering I was used to sleeping until noon prior to having Jack, this is a pretty radical change.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I'm lucky if I can muster up the energy and time to take a shower every day. I've been saying "I have to do laundry" for like, 4 days and I'm running out of shirts that don't have rotten, half-digested boob milk on them.

My new life is awesome. o_O

Actually, I talk a big game about how horrible it all is, but every time that little person smiles his huge, excited smile at me... all the turmoil vanishes. His happy face makes me melt and remember what all the crappy times are for. So I'm usually able to make it through the mess and come out the other side in one piece.

In other news... It's been 8 weeks and I'm still bleeding. Oh, sorry. I forgot the TMI warning. Too late now. I'VE BEEN BLEEDING FOR 8 FREAKIN WEEKS. It slowed down for about 5 days, then my period started. OMGAREYOUSERIOUS!? Don't believe the people who say "breastfeeding totally keeps you from getting your period!!1!" They're lying.

Welp, I'm about to pass out. Time to feed the kid and try to sleep for a few hours so we can do it all again tomorrow.

Jack is 8 weeks old, and I'm so unbelievably tired.

Mothers...

Someone on one of The Bump forums posted this tonight.

Mothers-

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here." Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

This is for all the step-mothers who raised another woman's child or children, and gave their time, attention, and love... sometimes totally unappreciated!

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14-year-olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A. M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home? Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all.

For all of us.

Hang in there.

In the end we can only do the best we can.

Tell them every day that we love them.

And pray.

Please pass along to all the Moms in your life.

"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

=============================================

Wow. It's things like that that make me really appreciate how hard this whole thing is. I adore my son and I absolutely can not wait to show give him the world.

Random update

It's been longer than I had hoped since I last updated here. I'm beginning to realize how hard it is to keep up with everything I used to enjoy now that Jackson's here. I get maybe 2 hours at a time to try to accomplish anything, which should include cleaning the house, cooking dinner for my adoring husband, or uh... taking a shower. But ya know what? I'm no Renaissance woman. I'd rather screw around on other peoples' blogs or sit on the couch. It's whatever. Let me live my life.

Seriously though, this mom stuff is hard work. We're pretty much on a 3-hour cycle with Jack's day. Wake up, check the diaper, eat, play for about an hour or until he gets grouchy again (the two usually coincide), calm him down and put him back down for a nap. This of course is only the general outline. There's usually one stretch in the morning where he'll be up for upwards of 5 or 6 hours, and occasionally he'll nap for 3 hours. I can't wait to get to the point where he's more predictable and able to sleep for 6 or 8 hours at a time. I miss sleeping at the same time as Dan.

Yeah, we've been working different shifts. I try to go to bed between 10pm and 1am and he goes between 9am and noon. So we see each other for a few hours in the morning and at night. We're doing it this way so that neither of us loses out on sleep. We're both way too used to sleeping for at least 8 hours that the first couple of weeks with Jack sucked since we were still on the same schedule. Why have both of us wake up every 2 hours to figure out why he's crying? Then we both want to kill ourselves the next day. Granted, I still have to wake up every 3 or 4 hours to pump... one of the joys of breast feeding. But it is what it is. It makes me miss the "just us" time even more, but I gotta get over it. We're not going to be "just us" for another 18 years.

Pretty sure last night was the beginning of the 6-week growth spurt. He's been pretty grouchy most of the time he's awake and wants to eat more frequently. Hopefully it'll only last a few days like the 3-week spurt did.

For the last couple of weeks he's been amazing. Smiley and giggly. After he cries for a minute or two after eating, and he calms back down, he likes when I hold him up while he's sitting on my lap so he can look around. He'll usually do it for 5 minutes before he gets tired of holding his head up. It's pretty amazing watching him improve every day at something so simple.

So my other sister is pregnant now! I mentioned before that her twin had her baby 10 days before I had Jack. Now she's something like 6 or 8 weeks pregnant. Basically, they met Jack and realized how epically cute he is and got down to business, if you know what I mean. So 3 cousins all within a year of each other. Nice. I just hope they all like each other.

Alright... it's about time for him to eat... again. Night!

Jack is 5 weeks, 3 days old and we're finally getting used to each other.

Exhaustion...

So Jack is almost 4 weeks old now. In the past couple of days, he's started being awake more often and for longer periods of time... which is awesome, because I'm excited for him to discover the world... but it sucks because I need to take a freakin nap. It's hard trying to figure out how to clean the house, take a shower, get dressed, and eat when I only have about an hour at a time to try to do any of it. He'll nap for an hour then be up for 2. And since Dan has been working the 10pm-7am shift then going to sleep, I can't pawn Jack off on him so I can get things done. So it's mildly frustrating that my house looks like shit and I stink and haven't had make-up on in 3 days.

Also, we discovered the blow dryer trick. Turning on a hair dryer when Jack starts freaking out makes him calm down. It's epic. Couple that with swaddling and a pacifier and while it still takes a while for him to fall back asleep, it gets him to at least stop crying without my having to hold his heavy butt.

Some random relatives of Dan's are coming over tomorrow. They invited themselves. That's nice of them... they must have known that I'm too busy and exhausted to extend the courtesy of inviting virtual strangers into my crappy apartment for the first time, so they just went ahead and told us they were coming over. How thoughtful! Seriously though, I'm over random people wanting to come over. Like, our parents and siblings, okay cool... but grandparents, great-aunts, 2nd cousins... come on. Wait until Christmas like everyone else. I had a mild panic attack the other night thinking about all of these grubby people touching my kid when he's not even a month old yet. And Dan got all mad at me because it's only his family that I'm freaking out about (only because all of my extended family lives 5 hours away and they're waiting until we go out next month, like good relatives). Then I felt kind of bad... but if Jack gets freakin hepatitis or the plague because I let Dan's great-uncle's daughter's best friend's husband hold him, I may just lock the 2 of us in a sterile basement with rationed antibiotics until his first birthday.

Okay... maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but still. And shut up.

Anyway, point is that I'm so tired. This new mom stuff is so much harder than anyone led me to believe, and for that, I hate every mom I know. Someone should have warned me 9 months ago that I would want to kill myself during this time.

I just hope the cute, I-can-hold-my-own-weight-up-while-giggling-and-totally-not-screaming phase is coming up soon. I need a break from this 24/7 job.

I'm actually really looking forward to the wedding we're going to in September. It's the 18th, and our 1 year anniversary is the 19th. So while it sucks that we have a family function we're required to appear at the weekend of our anniversary, my dad has been waiting with bated breath to get to babysit so Dan and I can drink and dance with my cousins until the wee morning hours. I can't wait.

We're actually gonna ask Dan's parents if they can babysit just for like, 3 hours next weekend so Dan and I can go out to eat in peace. While I'm still a little apprehensive about leaving Jackson with anyone else because of his ridiculous spaz attacks, every day I'm more and more eager to let them watch him. We need some "us" time, pretty bad.

Alright, I'm gonna go make some lunch while he's passed out. :)

Jackson is 26 days old and I'm in dire need of a nap.

Videos!

We're going to try to take videos of Jack fairly regularly, for distant family and what not. Here are the first two!

BF'ing update!

So we had our appointment with the health department this morning. We got to weigh Jackson, and he's put on 8oz in the past 5 days. Translation: He's getting more than enough nourishment, and is up to 10lb, 14oz. Ideally, babies get back to their birth weight at 2 weeks, so he's only 4oz shy of that goal, and the nurse at the health department was happy enough about it, so I'm much less nervous about it now.

Also, the nurse talked the lactation consultant into giving us a double-electric breast pump. Mission accomplished! While we were there, she had me test it out for size and comfort, and I pumped 2oz in 10 minutes. And a few hours later, I tried again, and pumped almost 4oz is 15 minutes. Hallelujah! Now I'll be sure that my kid is getting enough to eat. Damn, that feels good. Additionally, Dan will be able to get up with him in the middle of the night and let me sleep! So excited!

In other, yet still baby news... my other sister is pregnant! If you recall, my sister Alex had her son almost 4 weeks ago. Now her twin is pregnant! My sister Shauna is due early April, 2011. Yeah, she's only a couple of weeks along, but she and her husband are super excited, so they've already told everyone. Anyway, I'm also super excited. They'll be amazing parents. And OUR parents are about to have a heart attack from all the crazy baby stuff. :)

So today's been a pretty good day. Hopefully it'll continue for a while.

Jack is 15 days old, and eating well, thank god.

2 weeks old!

Well, technically, he's not 2 weeks old until 10:14pm tomorrow night, but close enough.

So it's been quite a roller coaster transitioning into parenthood. I'm ridiculously in love with Jackson, but I want to kill myself when I can't figure out why he's wailing at 3am. For the most part, I'm just madly in love with his adorable face. That whole thing about how you'll never realize your capacity for love until you have a child... totally true. I can't even explain the level of emotion this tiny little person brings out of me. I thought I loved his dad more than anything in the world, but he's narrowly beating Dan in that race. It's borderline obnoxious how melty my heart gets just looking at him.

But then there's those "I'm seriously going to kill myself" moments. It's been about an hour-long stretch every night since we've been home where there is just absolutely no consoling the kid. He's nursed forever, his diaper is clean, he's had a bath... nothing works. He started it up tonight and we swaddled him up real tight in one of those Sleep Halo Sack things, turned on the womb sounds machine, and put him in bed, and he was immediately out like a light. I'm praying we've figured out a solution. But I'm kicking myself for not being in bed too... so when he wakes up in a couple of hours, I'm gonna hate my life.

Then there's the nursing conundrum. When my milk first came in, it was epic. I could manually pump 6 ounces in an hour and life was grand. But in the last few days, that's dropped off drastically. I can't pump hardly anything, so every couple of hours, I have to sit on the couch hoping he's getting enough directly from the source. Not being able to physically measure it scares me. I don't know if he's getting enough. Yeah, he's having the standard 8-12 diapers per day, but is he fully satiated after feeding? Ugh. We have an appointment with the health department on Tuesday where they'll weigh him to make sure he's gaining, so we'll know for sure. And if he's not, there's a good chance we'll have to move to formula. Dan and I talked about that last night, and that absolutely breaks my heart. Before I started breast feeding, I had the mentality of "if I can do it, awesome, if not, oh well", but now that I've been at it for a couple of weeks, and I know how hardcore Dan was about it because it's so much better for Jack, I seriously cried for like, an hour last night, worrying about having to switch to formula. Oye.

So all in all, I'm tremendously thankful that we're getting the chance to have this experience. As frustrating, and terrifying, and emotionally draining as it can be, I think that in the end, it'll totally be worth it.

I close with a most adorable picture of my 2-week old son.

Jack is 2 weeks old, and I might keep him around for a little while.

The whole story...

I went in to start the induction process on Monday, July 12 at 6:00am. By the time I finally got checked in with admissions, and was in the elevator to Labor & Delivery, it was 6:15. We got all settled into our room and the nurses came in to hook me up to the IV and fetal monitor that would be by my side for the next 4 days. My OB showed up around 7:00am, and did a pelvic exam that ended in me peeing the bed... no, wait. He broke my water. Oh dear lord, this is really happening.

Pitocin was started at 7:30am, but I didn't start to actually feel any contractions until around 9:00am. I was still only 1cm dilated (since my OB appointment the previous Wednesday), and barely effaced.

The next time I was checked was 2:30pm. I had only moved to 2cm dilated, but I was 80% effaced. At this point, being quite the pain pansy, I was anxiously awaiting the epidural.

At 5:00pm, I was 3cm dilated, which was the high sign for the epidural to be placed. By the way, that kind of sucked. Trying to hold still through pretty painful contractions, while being poked in the spinal column by a giant needle is not my idea of a good time. It took about 15 minutes for the epidural to finally be in place, and another 15 minutes or so after that to be nearly pain-free.

They checked me again at 5:45, and I was only 4cm, 90% effaced, and the baby was at a 0 station. Hopefully, this meant that baby's head would help the dilation process.

Of course, that was wishful thinking. At 8:15pm, the nurse who had been with me most of the day came in to talk about a c-section. In the 2 and a half hours since the last check, I had made no progress, and since the baby was at a 0 station, his head was getting squeezed with every contraction. Apparently, my doctor thought it would end in a c-section the entire time, but was JUST NOW pushing for it. Awesome. You could have said something 10 hours ago, but whatever.

At 9:00pm, I was checked again, and I was still only around 4cm. So, no progress in a little over 3 hours. That was all she wrote... c-section was scheduled for 9:45pm.

Of course, I started freaking out. A c-sect was the one thing I didn't want to have to do. Surgery scares me, and this is a pretty invasive one. Dan and I had a mild freak-out, cry fest, and were able to talk ourselves down just in time to be wheeled in.

So they had me strapped to the table, and started the surgery. Apparently, it only took about 15 minutes to get the baby out, but it felt like I was there for hours. When they started pulling him out, his head was stuck in my pelvis so there was a doctor violently shaking and pushing on my upper abdomen. Holy crap. I can't quite explain the level of uncomfortableness this was.

They finally got him out, and everyone in the room started freaking out about how big he was. I had been measuring about 2 weeks ahead for quite some time, so the doctors suspected he would be a little bigger than normal.

Jackson Gabriel was born at 10:14pm, 21 inches long, 11 lb, 2.6 oz. Yeah, I grow them big apparently.

He had to spend a few days under the bili lights for mild jaundice, but we were able to come home yesterday afternoon. We're both doing really well (aside from no sleep for me last night), and so far, it's been amazing adjusting to having him home and trying to take care of him by ourselves.

He's amazing, and I can't wait to show him the world.

O.M.G.

I'm going to the hospital in 8 hours to start the induction process.

I was fine until like, 20 minutes ago. Now I'm mildly freaking out.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that I can get SOME sleep... tomorrow might be a busy day.

Oh man.

It's 1am on Friday, July 9. I'm officially 39 weeks pregnant, and having my baby on Monday.

Oh my god!

This is our last weekend together, alone. That makes me kind of sad. Which makes me feel like a bad mom. Haha. This November, we will have been together for 4 years, which I guess is long enough without babies, but dang. Those 4 years have gone ridiculously fast. I think I still haven't wrapped my brain around the fact that I'm married to this amazing person, let alone having his child. It all seems so surreal. Or maybe it feels like it was always supposed to happen, so it's never been all that life-altering. I don't know.

In other Dan news: He's been amazing this entire time. There were a lot of times where I'm not sure he took my whining seriously, since I'm PRETTY whiny, but for the most part, he's been awesome. The last couple of days, he's kind of been hovering over me with "you okay? do we need to go to the hospital?" It's super cute. I love him.

I can't wait for Monday to be over. I almost said "I can't wait for Monday", but I think I might eat those words when the pain of labor kicks in.

To be gross for a minute, I think I've been losing my mucous plug all day. Which doesn't really mean anything because it can reform, but it gives me hope that I'm dilating further. Hopefully I'm further along than 1cm on Monday and things progress relatively quickly.

In other news, my parents will be here Sunday afternoon. That means we only have 2 days left of just us. Woah... typing that sentence made me teary. Our whole world is about to change... I hope we're ready.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and trying not to lose my breath.

38-ish week appointment

Had another doctor's appointment this morning. Did the pee-in-a-cup thing, got my blood pressure checked. The nurse gave me a gift from Enfamil, because every formula company says "breastfeeding is best, but we would really appreciate it if you gave your kid our manufactured food". Anywhoooo...

The nurse asked if I have had any cramping or anything, and I told her about the menstrual-like back cramps I've had for the past 4 days or so, and she says "hopefully you'll be a little dilated today!" Yeah, I'm not holding my breath. I've been locked up tight since they started the internal exams, so we'll see.

So the doctor finally came in after making us wait for 10 minutes with my ass hanging out and the weird paper sheet over my goods. Checked the baby's heartbeat after taking almost a full minute to find it, which of course made me almost poop, but it was a good 132.

"Okay, put your feet in the stirrups," which is always fun since I can't see my feet, especially while laying flat on my back. But I finally got that worked out and he got all up in my area. Oh, ouch. Why does it hurt today?!?

"Oh, you're a little dilated!"
OMG! "Can you tell how much?"
"About 1cm"
"SWEEEETTT!"

So we asked him what their policy is on induction because we really don't want to go beyond 41 weeks because of the risk of the placenta dying and all that fun nonsense. He says, "oh you won't go that long!" and pulled out a calendar.

"Hhmm... you're due the 16th?"
"yep!"
"Well, how about Friday?"
"wait... THIS Friday!?"
"yep"
OOOOMMMMGGGGG! "Uhhm... I don't know. I'm worried about going TOO early because of the risk of c-section"
"well, how about Monday?"
OOOOMMMMGGGGG! "uuhhhhhhh.... okay."
"Okay, be here at 6am Monday!"

HOLY !#%!#)_*!#$%^*&^

So umm... I'm gonna have a baby on Monday (hopefully).

It's been about an hour and a half since this revelation, and my adrenaline still hasn't calmed down. I texted my sister, and my BFF... I can't wait to call my parents this evening.

In baby news not related to me... well, related by blood, but not my actual kid... shut up:

My sister had her baby last Friday. Khai Jayden was a whopping 9lb, 14oz. Good grief! But he's damn adorable. It just sucks that we won't meet him until at least Christmas.

Alright... I need to go poop now, thanks to all the excitement.

I'm 38 weeks, 5 days pregnant, and having a baby in 5 days!?!?

37-ish week appointment.

Had another appointment today. Still no progress. *insert frowny face* The doctor again said "he's still big!" Yep. I don't think he's going to shrink much in the next 3 weeks. Anyway, heartbeat was 141. Everything is grand, but this waiting game is getting old.

After the doctor's, I had lunch with a couple of fabulous ladies who I used to work with at the bar. I don't have a lot of girlfriends, and I'm fine with that. But our very sporadic lunch dates are a nice change of pace from sitting around the house staring at Dan all day. I mean, he's cute, but you can only take so much togetherness time with one person, right? (Love you, babe!)

Then Dan and I had dinner at the diner where my sister works. They have these amazing, award-winning ribs (and by award-winning, I mean, they've won awards at local rib fests. Whatever.) on the last Wednesday of every month. And I have half a rack waiting for me to polish off tomorrow for lunch. Win.

I don't have much to discuss with you, Blogosphere, with no cervical progress happening. So, sorry about that. But I bought a whole fresh pineapple today, in an effort to make something happen. I'll let you know how that goes.

I'm 37 weeks, 5 days pregnant, and getting bored with the whole thing.

36-ish week appointment

I had my 36 week appointment today. Woke up at 10:03 and my appointment was scheduled at 10:20. Great. I like not having time to shower before a doctor's appointment. Gross. So we get there, I do the pee-in-a-cup thing, the nurse checks my blood pressure, then tells me the doctor is going to do the first internal exam today. OH SUPER! I'm even more glad I didn't have time to shower. Talk about awkward. But, I did shower twice yesterday, and I'm sure he's seen dirtier parts then mine. So whatever.

So they did the Group B Strep test where they took a culture of my cervix. That's plenty uncomfortable. Followed by a finger exam to determine if I've started dilating, which I haven't. Damn. But when we were eating lunch afterward, I told Dan that after Friday (when I'll be full-term), we're going to start walking the neighborhood to try to tempt things to get going. I'm ready to be done. I want to meet my kid and have plenty of time to hang out with him before I have to go back to work.

Yesterday we went to the health department, since I'm getting government-funded Medicaid, I qualify for WIC. I'm not so concerned with the WIC as I am the free breast pump they give to Medicaid moms. I really don't want to spend upwards of $300 on one in store if I don't have to. So we did the preliminary paperwork and have an hour-and-a-half long appointment set for Tuesday morning to do a bunch of other paperwork and figure out if I can get what I need. Plus, I get to meet a lactation consultant, which is epic. I'm super excited to have a human resource available for when I get frustrated with, or about, not being able to BF. That's reassuring. Dan will only be able to comfort me so much without knowing what I'll actually be going through.

Speaking of Dan -- He just left for a job interview. Pretty much the first one he's had since being on unemployment for over a year. Chances are, it won't pay as well as unemployment to begin with, but there's opportunity for advancement and better pay within 6 or 7 months. And he's qualified for the job. And the interview is with a girl he knew in school and talks to on Facebook, so hopefully that will work to his advantage.

I am a little nervous about him getting a job right now though, with me having a baby in less than a month. Could be interesting. Apparently though, the position starts at something measly like 20 hours a week, so if he could work it out to do 5 four-hour days and work 9am-1pm and get home by 1:30 (it's in a town about a half-hours drive away), then when I start back to work, it'll be great. Since I was working 2pm-8pm or so. Perfect, and we won't have to pay for child care. And then in those 6 or 7 months, if he were to get more hours or a higher paying position, there's a chance I could stop working all together and do the stay-at-home mom thing for a while. EPIC. But I would absolutely keep up with my pharmacy tech continuing education so as to not lose my certification. Pharm Tech is a pretty sweet position, and since I'm nationally certified, I will always be able to get a job if I ever need/want to go back.

Plus, if I keep my certification, I get to keep the fun "CPhT" (Certified Pharmacy Technician) at the end of my signature. :)

Anyway... only a few days left! We still have to deep clean the house and wash all of Jack's stuff and install and have inspected the carseat bases. Not much to do, but I still don't want to do it all in one day or I'll be big-time bored for the next 3 weeks.

I'm 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and feeling pretty good about today.

Mild anxiety is setting in.

Every little bit of low pressure I feel makes me freak out a little bit that we don't have everything ready for Jack's arrival. We have to set up his bed, find places for the 800+ diapers we've gotten, install the car seats, find a breast pump and accessories, clean the house 10 more times, wash all of his clothes.

...and we only have 28 days to do all of that. Granted, that's like two days worth of work, but when I'm so tired all the time, and the cankles are pretty much a round-the-clock deal now, it feels like we're not going to be ready.

But I'm sure we will be when the time comes. At least we'll be as ready as we can be. Which, when it's a first baby, how prepared can you really be? I think it's a situation where you think you're ready, then this new little person shows up and spins your whole life around and you realize you were never going to be as ready as you thought you were. So if we end up not being ready, that will be okay too. This will be a huge learning experience, so we don't mess up the second kid... hopefully.

I'll just keep telling myself that everything will end up being okay. It helps me sleep at night.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant since it's after midnight now... Holy crap.

Baby Shower #2: Amazing!

Dan and I just got back from a too-fast weekend in Illinois with my extended family. The whole point in our going out there was because my Grandmother wanted to throw us a baby shower. So I got to see most of my mom's family on Friday night, and we scored an amazing haul of baby stuff.

Something like 600 diapers in various sizes, tons of clothes, a bag of books, and some random things here and there. It was pretty great.

My sister and brother-in-law actually drove us out there, and it was sad to realize that this would be the last trip to Illinois with just the four of us. The next time, baby Jack will be here. But that should add an exciting new element to the 5-hour road trip.

In other news: my little sister is having contractions, and her doctors are saying she might pop by Tuesday. She's not due until 2 weeks from today, but her LO has been measuring way ahead the whole time, and she's had to do a ton of NSTs every week because of it. So there's a solid chance I'll get to meet (via Skype, since she lives in Germany) my new nephew in a few days! AAH!

Alright... time to go ogle all the cute crap we got this weekend and find places to shove it all. :)

ETA: I wrote this post at around 7:00pm. It's now 11:30 and I am uncomfortable. I think Jack may have dropped down into my pelvis. I'm having wicked pressure down low and feel like I have to pee every 20 minutes. I was walking up and down the stairs to do laundry and it feels like I've got a pile of bricks pushing down on my pelvis. Oye. Also, my feet are wicked swollen tonight. *sigh*

I'm 35 weeks, 3 days pregnant, and just about prepared for this kid.

I'm starting to struggle.

I can not wait for this kid to make his debut. I worked a measly 5 hour shift today and I was hurting. This pregnancy is finally kicking my ass. If I sit for longer than an hour, my ankles swell and feel weird. If I stand for longer than 3 minutes, I can't breathe, which makes me ridiculously tired. I can't get comfortable when I sleep because there's a giant belly in the way, and if it's warmer than 65 degrees in the house, I sweat to death. I've got the acne of a 12-year-old greasy boy. I can't reach to tie my shoes without needing an oxygen tank. And I'm still mildly itchy from the rash... more so when I get even the least bit hot.

I just want to be done.

Here's a cute picture of me and Dan from this past weekend. Sorry it's blurry. Obviously, I took it myself, and we were in a dimly lit hotel room, standing like, 2 feet from a full-length mirror. Whatever. Just pay attention to how cute the dress is. Also, Dan likes it because he thinks it makes his junk look bigger. So... okay then.I'm 34 weeks, 3 days pregnant, and exhausted.

Squeee!

We had another baby appointment this morning. Jack's heart rate was about 132, which is pretty good. As soon as I laid on the table and pulled my shirt up, the doctor says "oh, he's getting pretty big, huh?" Uhm, yes. Thank you for pointing out that my belly is ginormous.

And he again mentioned that at the last ultrasound, Jack's head was substantially large. I'm figuring that has to be genetic. Apparently, Dan had a rather large dome when he was born too. So the doctor made a comment about how his huge noggin will lead to a hard labor. Super. That whole watermelon through a key-hole metaphor is going to become reality in a few weeks.

But, as he was looking at my chart, scoping my kid's big cranium and looking at how the ultrasound suggests a new due date of July 9th, I got the distinct feeling that he is considering moving my due date up a week. Holy cannoli!

This leads me to start freaking out about the fact that all I've done to get ready for this baby is put the stroller together. His bed is still in the box (for fear the cats will sleep in it), there's still some things we're holding out on purchasing (we have one more baby shower in 2 weeks), and I still don't feel like it's real. Gah!

In lighter news, after 25 years of life, and having to pee in a cup 15 times in the past year, I finally figured out how to do it without peeing all over my hand. Which is a big victory. Just sucks that it took me until now to grasp this concept. :P And when I was working on this, I kind of bent over, since I can't see my own downstairs-situation anymore, and when I stood up, I was wicked dizzy. That was almost 3 hours ago, and my head is still a little wonky.

Being pregnant is awesome.

I'm 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant, feel like I might puke, and hoping Jack will get to make his debut a week sooner!

I'm awesome.

It's funny how much of a wuss I am. I've never had stitches before, so I didn't know what to expect when I got them, or got them taken out.

So this morning, on the way to the doctor's to get them taken out, I was like "babe, it's going to hurt. I know it!"

It's totally not going to hurt. You're the biggest weenie ever.

But but but... You don't know!!!1!

Yes I do. I'm a dude. Who played soccer in high school. And fought people for money. Stitches don't hurt. Plus, you only have two of them.

Shut up! I need a Valium!

But yeah, it ended up not hurting. And it took the nurse like, 5 seconds to cut them out. I can't wait for the fun of pushing a watermelon out my hooter. Should be a blast.

Oh man. Using the word "blast" when referencing my baby's giant watermelon head coming out = terrible visual.

In other news: I was having a serious nesting moment last night. I HAD to put the stroller together. It was like if I were a heroin addict... I just needed a little fix to get me through. Come on man, just a little bump? I mean, just to take the edge off... come on! Dan was sure the cats would immediately sleep or poop on it, but they pretty much just sniffed it for a minute and went back to other cat stuff. And now we have a mega-cute stroller sitting in the living room to look at.

Also, I've started seriously amping up my short goals philosophy. That is, I prefer to have short term goals vs waiting for bigger and better things to happen. For example: I have to work the next 4 days. Then doctor's appointment on Wednesday. Then 1 day of work. Then 3-day weekend in Columbus for a relative's wedding. Breaking it down into little goals to get through is making time go much faster. I feel like I'm wishing my life away, but the faster time goes, the sooner Jack will be here, and the sooner I can stop itching, and the sooner I'll have a bigger purpose in life.

I just can't wait.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant, and time needs to fly just a smidge faster.

Third trimester growth ultrasound

We had the (hopefully) last ultrasound this morning. Everything looks good! Heart rate was fine.

Couldn't get a very clear face shot though. Boo.
But, he's still a boy. :)


Also talked to the dermatologist today. The biopsy came back as most definitely PUPPP. And now they want to wean me off of the miracle medications. :(

I got all of the thank-yous for the first shower written and mailed yesterday. Which again, is amazing, since it took upwards of 5 months to finish them after the wedding. But only having 20% of the amount from the wedding to write probably had something to do with it. Whatever.

Dude. I'm beyond tired today. The dreaded 3rd tri exhaustion has officially kicked in. Ugh. Nap-time!

I'm 31 weeks, 5 days pregnant and so in need of some caffeine.

First baby shower = success

So I was definitely worried that the baby shower today would be most awkward. The problem was, EVERYONE at this shower, aside from my sister, were people from Dan's family or his parents' friends or people from their church. Everyone went around the room and introduced themselves, and I should have paid more attention for the purpose of thanking the correct people while opening gifts. But I did not.

Eventually, we got to opening gifts, and Dan's step-mom pulled up 2 chairs, so Dan could open gifts with me. Thank god.

We ended up with a ton of onesies or little outfits, a Graco Travel System, a Fisher Price baby bath, a second bath tub, 2 Grooming Kits, a blanket, a set of burp pads, a bunch of bibs, 2 Swaddle blankets, 2 different clip on toys, a car seat snuzzler, a bottle drying rack, a Diaper Genie, and some other random little things. Pretty good haul.

I already wrote 20% of the thank-yous too, which is quite the accomplishment considering it took us like, 5 months to write them for the wedding. Whatever. I'm busy. Don't pressure me. Hand-written thank-yous are retarded anyway. Shut up.

Next thing on the baby countdown is another sonogram on Wednesday to check on his growth, then the next week I get the stitches from my biopsy out, then another baby appointment, then we get to get out of town for the first weekend in June for a wedding. I'm pretty psyched to have something to look forward to every week until the big day. Should make everything go much quicker.

News on the rash front: The soap/lotion/ointment/medication regimen is working wonders. I'm still a little itchy during the day, but I think the rash is pretty much at bay now and most of the itchiness is from my skin just being dry. Like, scratching it makes it itchy. We should find out the results of the biopsy in the next couple of days to make sure it's not something more serious than the suspected PUPPP.

Time for some cereal then bedtime. :)

Here's a link to pictures from the shower, courtesy of my mother-in-law.

I'm 31 weeks, 2 days pregnant, and I REALLY want to set up the baby's stuff already!

Dermatologists are great!

I got to meet our local dermatologist today. She was amazing. I like her more than I like my OB, which is unfortunate.

Basically, I stripped and put on the paper gown and plopped my sweaty ass up on the exam table. the nurse practitioner came in and felt me up and immediately said, "I think it's PUPPP. Let me go get the doctor to see what she thinks." Sweet. I didn't have to suggest to her that that's what I think it is too. That's a good sign. She said in her 8 years she's only seen maybe a half-dozen cases of it, so she wasn't 100%. So she grabbed the doctor and a text book. The text book read identically to what's happening to me, but apparently the rash isn't "presenting" like normal PUPPP. There are a couple of scaly spots on me that apparently look like eczema.

So then the NP says "well, let's do a biopsy!" WHAT?! The NP and a regular nurse came back and numbed the crap out of my arm. Then the NP took a ¼" diameter chunk out of my bicep, and closed it up with a couple of stitches. I didn't realize I was going in for minor surgery today, so wtf. They have to send the nasty skin sample to a lab in New York, so it'll take up to a week to get the results back. And I have to go back in 2 ½ weeks to get the stitches taken out. Lovely.

In the meantime, they gave me a prescription for Elocon ointment and Zyrtec to take at night. Apparently, there are 8 levels of steroid cream... 1 being the strongest, 8 being the weakest. Elocon is considered a category 2. So it's pretty high-powered stuff. And the Zyrtec is in an effort to ease the itching and help me sleep through the night. They also told me to buy Olay body ribbons body wash with Jojoba Butter to use instead of my regular soap, then follow my showers up with Cerave lotion. Holy jesus. But in theory, all of this will work better than the random combination of garbage I have been using. Fingers crossed.

So my life is looking up.

Now I'm taking a prenatal vitamin, a DHA supplement, Famotidine, and Tums in the morning, using the Elocon ointment twice a day, showering with doctor-ordered soap and lotion, and taking Zyrtec at night along with another Tums to get more calcium. I've never taken so many medications at once in my whole life. Jeez.

OH! I also called my OB back today to get the results of my 3-hour glucose challenge, because he's been out of the office since Friday (which is nice, since I might have been killing my baby with too much sugar all weekend unknowingly... but whatever). The nurse said my numbers were fine. They did a total of 4 blood draws over 3 hours. The first was my fasting rate, which doesn't count... but the other numbers were 88, 149, and 86. The 149 is higher than the cutoff of 139, but she said it's normal for having 100gm of sugar in your blood for 2 hours. And then it dropped right back down by the 3-hour draw. So that's cool.

So again, I feel like my life is looking up. I almost can't wait to go to bed tonight so I can try my new concoction of meds.

ETA: I just slept for almost 10 hours without having to get out of bed. Holy crap. I haven't slept a full-night's sleep in almost 3 weeks. Modern medicine is amazing!!

I'm 30 weeks, 5 days pregnant and being a wuss about the stitches in my arm.

PUPPP is killing me

So I wonder if there's some kind of medication they could give me to numb all of my skin for the next 11 weeks. A girl can dream.

Today the rash has officially spread to my back and behind my knees. It's slowly taking over my entire body.

I can't even begin to explain the magnitude of the itch. Imagine a million tiny spiders crawling on you, and the spiders have tiny spider head lice, and the spider head lice are carrying poison ivy in their tiny pockets. Now multiply that creepy crawly itchy feeling you just had imagining that, by like, 1350285384763068. That's how unbearable this is.

I have a doctor's appointment in 11 hours, so maybe he can come up with some miracle for me.

ETA: My OB sucks. He just referred me to a dermatologist who didn't have any available appointments until next Wednesday. Bah!

I've never been allergic to anything in my life. I've never come in contact with poison ivy or sumac. The only itchy skin thing I've ever had is bug bites -- and a little Calamine lotion and a couple of days is all those need to heal. I'm stuck with this ridiculous rash until after Jack is born. So roughly 11 weeks. But, I've read online that in particularly aggressive cases of PUPPP, that the mom will be induced early. I'd like to carry him until 40 weeks, but not at the expense of my ending up in a mental institution because this freakin rash is driving me crazy.

I'm 29 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and I desperately need this Benadryl to kick in so I can try to sleep.

Pregnancy thus far.

So amazingly enough, this pregnancy has been pretty not-severe, in regards to ridiculous symptoms. You always hear about how uncomfortable pregnancy is, and how miserable you'll be the entire time. That has definitely not been the case here. But, with 11 weeks to go, I'm sure I still have time to eat those words later.

Around week 7 or 8, I had my only bout with "morning sickness". And that only consisted of about a week of feeling mildly nauseous. But I never puked... thank god. Me and puking to not mix.

By week 12-ish, I was starting to feel the tell-tale signs of round ligament pain. There were random stabby pains in my abdomen, and obnoxious aching feeling in my pelvis that hasn't really gone away. And I was completely exhausted from here until around week 17.

*TMI ALERT* The day I was 19 weeks along, I woke up with crusty nipples. Ohmigawd. Did I seriously start leaking already?! Yep! GROSS.

From midway through the first trimester up through the end of the second, I had lots of random cravings. No pickles and ice cream, but things like Wendy's chicken nuggets at 9 in the morning, or grilled cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night. I've heard of chicks craving things like raw ground beef and dirt while pregnant though. What the heck is up with that?

At 24 weeks we finally got to find out that it's a boy. As we were sitting in the car in the parking lot afterward, and calling everyone, Dan's dad suggested the name Jackson. We had thought of Gabriel Jack for a boy name, but changed it to Jackson Gabriel that day. Absolutely love it. We've been calling him "baby Jack" since then. It was around this time too that my acid reflux got really bad. I've since gotten prescription Pepcid AC that's squelched that pretty quick.

On 27w5d, I did the 1-hour glucose test for gestational diabetes. The acceptable range is 75-139. I failed with a 153. Boo. So starting this coming Tuesday, I have to start a 3-day carb diet and then Friday morning I'll go in for the 3-hour test. I have to drink double the sugar in the same amount of liquid then sit in the lab of the hospital for 3 freaking hours after fasting for 10 hours beforehand. It's gonna SUCK.

Not 3 days after the 1-hour GD appointment, I started to get an itchy feeling in my stretch marks. Weird. I did some Googling and discovered PUPPP. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm dead certain that I have this. The itching started in just a couple of spots on my belly, but it's expanded across my entire midsection below my belly button. And it's gross. Like a lumpy, intensely itchy rash inside the stretch marks. The only thing I've found that helps is a frozen washcloth. But I have another doctor's appointment this coming Wednesday and hopefully I can get a prescription for some kind of steroid cream or something. Oh, and apparently, the only cure is having the baby. It won't go away until a few days after he's born. Super.

So like I said, I've had nothing but mild symptoms (up until this friggin rash). Which is pretty awesome. Hopefully that's some kind of sign that Jack will be a low-maintenance baby. Heh... we can only hope.

I'm 29 weeks, 2 days pregnant.

Background check!

I'm Cara. He's Dan. This is the (condensed) story of us.

• July 2004 - I moved (with my parents and sisters) to a tiny town called Defiance, Ohio.
• March 2005 - I started dating a dude. We'll call him P. P was sponging off of Dan, sleeping on his couch in their tiny 1-bedroom apartment. I should have seen the light with P early on. I did not. But I did realize that Dan and I liked the same music, while P was into "punk rawk". This should also have been a sign. It was not.
• November 2005 - P and I moved into an apartment together.
• October 2006 - I started getting bored. We ended up at a party where Dan was. We were all drunk. I decided it was time to go, but needed to puke first. Dan stepped on my barefoot with steel-toe boots while I was stumbling to the bathroom -- I still have the scar. While I was gaining the courage to give thanks to the porcelain gods, Dan proceeded to tell me how I'm "hot, and [he's] a dude, so you know, we should totally like..." *BARF* It was quite the romantic beginning.
• November 2006 - I woke up one morning and was seriously done with P. Have you ever been in one of those relationships where it's just over one day? Yep, this was that. Luckily, the timing was so good, since our lease was up at the end of that month. I proceeded to move out and into Dan's place -- strictly as friends until I figured out what the heck I was going to do now that my family lived in another state again.
• December 24 2006 - Dan and I decided to make it official. We were an item. So much for that "strictly friends" thing. Heh.
• August 2007 - We moved to a suburb of Toledo called Perrysburg courtesy of Dan getting a promotion. I freakin loved this town. It was so nice, and our apartment was cute, and we were in the building right next to the community pool and laundromat. Amazing.
• January 2008 - I started working for the company I now work for. It's a rather large retail pharmacy chain that shall go unnamed. I started as a cashier and cross trained as a photo specialist.
• February 2008 - Dan lost his amazing job courtesy of a giant jerk of a boss. We decide (with the help of Dan's mom and step-dad) to move to southern California to get Dan back in school to finish his degree and to be somewhere with more job prospects.
• March 2008 - I turned 23 and the next evening, Dan proposed in the Perrysburg Chili's restaurant with my parents and sisters and his dad and step-mom there. It was pretty sweet. Two weeks later, we headed west. Luckily, I was able to transfer to another store in the same company.
  
• Summer 2008 - Dan's car got stolen, which was the beginning of the end of California. He later learned that he could configure it so all of his remaining classes would be online, meaning we didn't have to stay in California... hhm.
• January 2009 - We high-tailed it out of California. Paying almost $1500 to rent a 1-bedroom apartment was not the greatest of times. So we headed back to NW Ohio. We ended up about 15 miles from where we started in Defiance in a little town called Bryan.
  
• June 2009 - I became a Certified Pharmacy Technician. Score!
• September 19, 2009 - Dan and I became Mr and Mrs. The wedding was amazing and so much fun. The following weekend, we left for our 7-day western Caribbean cruise. So epic.
• November 8, 2009 - My sisters turned 20, and I did a home pregnancy test. I peed on the stick, waited the 3 minutes. Then I went out into the living room and showed Dan the directions for the test where it shows 2 lines = pregnant. "Hey babe - See this? [show him the picture]" "Yes?" "Okay, now see this? [show him the test with 2 lines]" And we squealed like little girls.

That's pretty much where we are now. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a little boy who we're naming Jackson Gabriel, due July 16, 2010. We're super excited about this new adventure, and we're hoping it keeps up with the crazy roller coaster ride we've been on thus far.

I am 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Only 11 weeks to go!